Skies of Love :)

by lychee:3 Sun Jul 11 2010, 01:16

Skies of Love

On the verge of questioning
When the right falls to nothing
What’s been bothering?
What’s been haunting?

Love, with a single syllable
But to define with all variables
Unknown, anonymous
But, you know, it hurts the most.

Smile through the skies above
Frown because you’re in love
It’s never gonna be the same,
The feelings for what you have tamed.

Love, a burden, a haven
A headache through the brain
But, when love takes over
The three words you will whisper.

Love when it breaks
‘Causes too much heartaches
But life without love,
Will be the skies without doves

by **Beejay1231** Sun Jul 11 2010, 01:20

Thanks for posting this! I'll critique this tomorrow. Very Happy

by **Beejay1231** Sun Jul 11 2010, 23:30

Critique Part 1

Sense of Originality and Realism

You did a pretty good job here, adding in your personal experiences and the real way love flows. Good job in this part.

Rating: [9 / 10]

Note: The critique isn't done yet. Very Happy

by **Beejay1231** Sun Jul 11 2010, 23:59

Critique Part 2

Structure and Grammar

The grammar is and structure is a-ok but there are some mishaps.

1.

Love, with a single syllable
But to define with all variables
Unknown, anonymous

This one sounds a bit off.

1st choice: You can remove to in the 2nd line and change it with Defines
2nd choice: Put an is before the start of the 3rd line.

2. Remove the commas after your Buts

3. Cause is a verb that can stand for itself and is not an abbreviation so there's no need to put an aphostrophe.

4. You use too many Buts. It'll be irratating to the readers to hear it every time. The technique is to use deep words and limit the repitition of words as minimal as possible.

Rating: [7/10]

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